Recently I finished my very first marathon. It was a huge accomplishment for me, considering I retired from competitive running several years ago.
But rather than bore you with a bunch of details about how many miles I ran during my training (392) or with some philosophical treatise on the metaphorical journey of the marathon, I thought instead I’d bore you with some of the thoughts I was having that day.
For those of you who have never run a marathon before, this is as close as you can get to actually lacing up your running shoes.
You’ve been warned…
Inside the Brain of a Marathoner
[45 minutes before the start of the marathon]
Holy cow it’s cold out here! Maybe I should’ve worn underwear…
[20 minutes before]
Hey, Mr. Rock ‘n’ Roll Cover-Band Singer…We’re not all from Columbus. Enough with the Buckeye crap.
[5 minutes before]
‘THUNDERSTRUCK!’…Yes! Mental note: Gotta listen to more AC/DC.
[One minute before]
I can’t believe it’s finally here! I think I’m gonna cry. What an incredible mome…
Uh, oh…I wonder if I have time to hit the port-o-john?
YEAH! HERE WE GO!
[Actually crossing the starting line 3 mins. 45 sec. later]
YEAH! HERE WE GO!
[100 yards in]
This feels great! I can definitely do 26.2. No problem.
[200 yards in]
Oh, great…I have to pee already.
Should I stop to pee or…oh, I’ll just wait.
All right…I really have to pee now. Where the heck are the port-o-johns!?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Much better.
I wonder how far ahead the Kenyans are by now?
Yeah! Half way there! This is going to be a piece of cake!
Hmmph…Columbus is definitely hillier than I imagined.
OK, starting to get a little tired now…stay focused…
Hey…was that Harold Ramis?!?
Heading into uncharted territory…stay focused…hope I don’t hit the wall…
Ugh…this must be the wall…
Oh, God…please don’t let me quit now…just four more miles…
Feeling better now…maybe that wasn’t the wall after all…stay strong…you got this…
Am I wearing cement shoes?…Whose legs are these?
Just walk for a little bit…It’s OK…you deserve it…go ahead…everyone’s doing it…take a little break…NO! SHUT UP! DON’T LISTEN TO THE VOICE! DON’T LISTEN TO THE VOICE!
Not gonna make it…not gonna make it…
Need water…Who am I?…Where am I?…Don’t fall down…don’t fall down…need water…
[0.2 miles to go…]
[0.1 miles to go…]
WHERE THE HELL IS THE FINISH LINE!?
0.2 miles, my ass!
I DID IT! I DID IT! Thank you, God! I can’t believe I just ran a mara…
Yep…gonna fall down now…Where’s the medic?…No, wait, I’m OK…I’m OK…
Nope…passing out now…