A Bad Case of the Runs – Part II

26 Oct

IMG_3853Recently I finished my very first marathon. It was a huge accomplishment for me, considering I retired from competitive running several years ago.

But rather than bore you with a bunch of details about how many miles I ran during my training (392) or with some philosophical treatise on the metaphorical journey of the marathon, I thought instead I’d bore you with some of the thoughts I was having that day.

For those of you who have never run a marathon before, this is as close as you can get to actually lacing up your running shoes.

You’ve been warned…

Inside the Brain of a Marathoner

[45 minutes before the start of the marathon]

Holy cow it’s cold out here! Maybe I should’ve worn underwear…

[20 minutes before]

Hey, Mr. Rock ‘n’ Roll Cover-Band Singer…We’re not all from Columbus. Enough with the Buckeye crap.

[5 minutes before]

‘THUNDERSTRUCK!’…Yes! Mental note: Gotta listen to more AC/DC.

[One minute before]

I can’t believe it’s finally here! I think I’m gonna cry. What an incredible mome…
Uh, oh…I wonder if I have time to hit the port-o-john?

[Marathon begins!]


[Actually crossing the starting line 3 mins. 45 sec. later]


[100 yards in]

This feels great! I can definitely do 26.2. No problem.

[200 yards in]

Oh, great…I have to pee already.

[Mile 1]

Should I stop to pee or…oh, I’ll just wait.

[Mile 3]

All right…I really have to pee now. Where the heck are the port-o-johns!?

[Mile 6]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Much better.

[Mile 10]

I wonder how far ahead the Kenyans are by now?

[Mile 13]

Yeah! Half way there! This is going to be a piece of cake! 

[Mile 15]

Hmmph…Columbus is definitely hillier than I imagined. 

[Mile 17]

OK, starting to get a little tired now…stay focused…

[Mile 18]

Hey…was that Harold Ramis?!?

[Mile 20]

Heading into uncharted territory…stay focused…hope I don’t hit the wall…

[Mile 21]

Ugh…this must be the wall…

[Mile 22]

Oh, God…please don’t let me quit now…just four more miles…

[Mile 23]

Feeling better now…maybe that wasn’t the wall after all…stay strong…you got this…

[Mile 23.5]

Am I wearing cement shoes?…Whose legs are these?

[Mile 24]

Just walk for a little bit…It’s OK…you deserve it…go ahead…everyone’s doing it…take a little break…NO! SHUT UP! DON’T LISTEN TO THE VOICE! DON’T LISTEN TO THE VOICE!

[Mile 25]

Not gonna make it…not gonna make it…

[Mile 26]

Need water…Who am I?…Where am I?…Don’t fall down…don’t fall down…need water…

[0.2 miles to go…]

YES!…I’m gonna make it!…I’m gonna make it!

[0.1 miles to go…]

0.2 miles, my ass!


I DID IT! I DID IT! Thank you, God! I can’t believe I just ran a mara…
ep…gonna fall down now…Where’s the medic?…No, wait, I’m OK…I’m OK…
Nope…passing out now…


Posted by on October 26, 2012 in Uncategorized


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5 responses to “A Bad Case of the Runs – Part II

  1. Russ Russell

    October 30, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Congrats, Val – awesome accomplishment! As usual, you provide a very funny narrative to complement a great experience. Did you ever think about that song that goes, “feet don’t fail me now! I’ve got to walk on! Etc.” -Russ

    • Valentine Brkich

      October 30, 2012 at 12:10 pm

      Heck yeah! Edwin Starr… “I got 15 miles to go now…and I can hear my baby callin’ my name…” If it wasn’t for Edwin, I might not have finished. ; ) Hope all is going well with your little one!

  2. memyselfandkids

    November 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    That’s great that you pushed through.
    Funny line about the Kenyans.

    • Valentine Brkich

      November 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

      Thanks! I had told too many people that I was running it. I had to finish. ; )

      • memyselfandkids

        November 8, 2012 at 6:58 pm

        Avoiding embarrassment can be a great motivator.


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